Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
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If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.