Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
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I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
“you recording!?”