[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
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Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?