Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
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I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?