*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
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Alive
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I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out