I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
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Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?