Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
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me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
“Wait, let me explain..”
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I know a bad idea when I see one.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out