“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
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50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
#CatsOnTwitter
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
this is funnier than any friends episode
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*