Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
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Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.