My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
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“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
oh u like geography? name every lake
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.