oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
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in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch