‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
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My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
#parenting
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
was Jim off killing horses or…
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme