“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
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Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.