Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
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No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
sensitive skin
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.