@gonzohostility: Said she was gonna send a pic of her "backyard' . Turns out we weren't on the same page
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@aparnapkin: Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
@eyeswidebutt: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like to invite you to play Candy Crush.
@jenlaw_11: How to kiss: 1-open your mouth 2-wider 3-wider 4-unhinge jaw 5-summon the Dark Overlord
@LindaInDisguise: Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates! 5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then? I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.