@gonzohostility: Said she was gonna send a pic of her "backyard' . Turns out we weren't on the same page
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@NicestHippo: [god to lions] You will be the symbol of power and prestige [sees the crickets] Ew. Uh...you guys just yell real loud when a comedian bombs
@Rollinintheseat: I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump's mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what's inside.
@XplodingUnicorn: I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old. After hearing myself say it out loud, I'm pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
@Ygrene: *brings knife to gunfight* *knife used to cut pizza* *pizza served & differences resolved* *last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*