[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
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Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Cinematography is my passion
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”