Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no