Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
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Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?