Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
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Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I have questions??
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?