Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
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Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
The funk soul brother
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.