Saint West, the patron of selfies
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There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]