Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
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“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.