Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
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God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
where’s Godzilla when we need him
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.