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@SSparklesDaily: Salad is the decaf of food.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
@SufficientCharm: Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
@howe007: Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
@FeelingMervis: DATING TIP: Surprise your date! Show up a day early.
@cwhudson: [Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes...*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless