Salad is the decaf of food.
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Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
drew a comic about my origin story
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
These dogs look like they have good credit.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]