@SSparklesDaily: Salad is the decaf of food.
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@Home_Halfway: BOSS: Okay, let's do this. What names are you pitching? COWORKER: Hannah Montana ME: Assapoopshits Massachusetts BOSS: Michael you're fired
@KalvinMacleod: ME: Raising two kids on my own has been a real struggle. WIFE: I'm only gone for two days. ME: They call me momdad now, which is bittersweet
@Brianhopecomedy: Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, "That's not your left foot" a billion times.
@iliezabeth: ME: can u pick me up in ur claws DRAGON: go AWAY dammit ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail