[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
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9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
There’s only one good girl here!
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo