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using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
This is my cat’s medicine.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.