What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
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(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*