@DillDoes: Salamanders are the most passive aggressive animal. You grab their tail and they're like "have that one, I don't even want it"
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@MissItAintMe: Today is awesome. I got pulled over by a cop on a bike. He even asked if I knew why he was "pulling me over" You need a ride! Duh
@bkdcasey: If it acts like a duck, sounds like a duck and looks like a duck, then it is probably some girl on Instagram taking a selfie.
@foodfacenow: At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
@thesulk: "Wanna pop a xanax in the Civic and kayak with mom and dad at noon?" "Can't. Scared." "Of the water?" "No. Palindromes."