Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
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Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
How all things should be taught/explained.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions