COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
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Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Big Sex has us all fooled
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd