*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
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While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
what could possibly go wrong?
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit