Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
You Might Also Like
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Happy Taco Tuesday
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any