Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
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#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Sing it!
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight