Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
You Might Also Like
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me