salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
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smh
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I love it all
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”