Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
You Might Also Like
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.