Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
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me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille