Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
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[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.