SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
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just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
love pickles so much i put myself in one
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up