Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
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Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.