@TeamPHumor: Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
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@0point5twins: "Boss, I've got a probl-" "There are no such things as problems, only opportunities" "Oh, ok. I've got a serious drinking opportunity"
@Playing_Dad: [Walking around park with kid] Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green? Me: Because God wants to remind me I have no money everywhere
@Ratchet7Don: The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, "That's how I want you to do it."