scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
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George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.