SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
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Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Print is alive and well!!!
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently