[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
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If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”