Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
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[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
“What movie?” 🤔
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.