Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
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what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.