San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
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I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…