@YogiWanKenobi: San Francisco has too many rules
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@JessG828: Kid just asked "why is it called 'flipping the bird'? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle." I can't even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
@OtherDanOBrien: DENTIST: Been flossing? ME: Yup D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
@Discourt: For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
@joeldanger: If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day