All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
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Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life