Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
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Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.