Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
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I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.