Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
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Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Basketball games are very squeaky.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
My work here is done
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.