the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
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*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
The news
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I identify as an antique shop.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”