[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
You Might Also Like
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy