Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
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People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Smile they said.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Happy Febuary everyone!
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?